I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
