Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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