Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
