I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
