Too much gin, very little bucket
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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