Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
