I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
