is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
