I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
