don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
