Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
