Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
