So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
