i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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