hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
