my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
