Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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