I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
