Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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