i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
