My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
