So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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