Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
