Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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