pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
