Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
