we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
