U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
