All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
