Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
