I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can I color on your dick again?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
