Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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