It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
