Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
