I haven't been this sober since birth.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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