Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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