Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
