What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
