I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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