I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
