i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
