i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
