ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sober January is a disaster.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
