Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
