Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I did not marry a roomba.
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