That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
