why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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