were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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