you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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