Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
