you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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