I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
