I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
